Pebbles
by Miranda Raizel
Summary: Blood dripped slowly down the side of his face as his tears hit the asphalt and he looked at the baby in his arms while he whispered the words "I can't" like a mantra.
1. drown

**Disclaimer: **I don't own anything related with or to Supernatural; like characters, etc. I am just a fan of the show and actors.

**Pairing:**

Dean and Cas

**Summary: **Blood dripped slowly down the side of his face as his tears hit the asphalt and he looked at the baby in his arms while he whispered the words "I can't" like a mantra.

**Ps:** This is AU. With non hunter Winchesters but has a little bit of canon.

Cas has basically raised his niece, Claire own his own since she was a baby.

Jimmy died a month after she was born and Amelia bailed.

They had been sixteen when she got pregnant and he died but she didn't want to give her baby up for adoption.

So she entrusted her to the one man in her life besides her late husband who loved her unconditionally yet in a more 'siblings' manner, his twin brother Castiel.

* * *

**Pebbles**

It had been 3:15 a.m. exactly when Amelia Novak's phone rang loudly. She woke up quickly then glared at the clock as she hugged the blankets closers to her body.

After another string of ringing was heard all of her wrath was focused on a new target, her phone.

She didn't answer on the first ring but picked up on the second just because she didn't want the persistent noise to awaken her sleeping baby.

Tone of voice a mix of exhausted and irritated, she spoke.

"Hello. Who is this. More importantly, have you noticed the time? Some people have to get up early to work in the morning."

As she spoke into her phone she sat up on her bed slightly while waiting a second for a reply before deciding to hang up on the stranger if they didn't answer her questions quickly enough.

The man on the other side of the line replied with a standard line but there was something.

It laced his words, was it sorrow? As he spoke quietly.

"I'm with Pontiac's sheriff's department." He paused for a second then continued solemnly.

"Sorry ma'am but are you by chance, the next of kin or spouse of a man named James Novak? You were the first person on his speed-dial list, your name is Ames?"

The sleepiness left her eyes as she franticly spoke and practicly jumped off the bed then put on her slippers as she quickly turned on a lamp switch.

"My name's Amelia but James always calls me Ames. Jimmy's my husband. What, where is he? Is he okay..."

She looked for her car keys as she spoke up a bit while thinking she would have to pick him up or something.

Maybe he got a flat tire and was stranded on the side of the road but he would have called so that wasn't it.

Then it was like a light bulb flickered to life in her brain and her eyes narrowed slightly but of their own accord.

"Wait, did you arrest him again because he's out drinking with those Winchester boys and Cas." Amelia gave a humorless chuckle then put her hair up in a bun and spoke in a pissed of tone.

"He promised he wouldn't do that again, uh let me talk to him and I'll pay his bail. Although with his behavior I might as well let him spend the night in a cell. I'd serve him right for being a liar."

The next words she heard shattered her whole world completely and her phone slipped from her grasp as so many emotions hit her at once.

"Ma'am there was an accident a few blocks away from your home, according to his state ID. We need someone to come down to the hospital to identify the body. I'm so sorry for your loss."

Someone in the background probably a sheriff said the words. "Maybe there is someone else who could come down?"

* * *

James Novak had died a month after his daughter Clair was born and Amelia didn't know how to handle the void he left.

Three days after Jimmy's death. A funeral service was held somewhere outside of Pontiac, Illinois because that's where his father Gregory is buried.

He died of a severe heart attack when James and Castiel had been seven years old.

They learned from their father earlier that day that their mother wouldn't be around anymore because she had run off with a some guy who usually played the piano at church.

"I feel your pain."

He didn't know what else to say or how to say it and honestly he didn't feel like talking but Amelia had to know that he was here for her and Claire.

Amelia looked Cas in the eyes as he whispered the words and she hugged him tightly while crying for his brother.

"He is my one and only. Oh God, you want to know what the last words I said to him were?"

She backed up a bit but didn't meet his eyes as she spoke quietly while recalling the memory.

.

"Maybe I made a mistake when I married you." She tried and failed to hold back from laughing or keeping a serious face as he passed her a stack of freshly made french toast.

Weeks of eating just ramen and Chinese takeout had taken it's toll and they were ready for a change.

Jimmy raised an eyebrow in mock hurt but kissed her forehead quickly then spoke while getting the syrup bottle and some forks then handing her one as she gave him a cup full of icy cold milk.

"I'll never be as rich as some of your friends or be as likable and I'm uncertain about a lot of things since I'm not that smart. But here are a few things I do know."

Amelia took a bite as he spoke. "Asking you out and making you my wife have been some of the best decisions of my life."

"Hmm just making sure you won't cheat on me with the first pretty girl that walks your way."

"Ames, I love you more each day and honestly I don't think I'll ever be able to stop even if I try repeatedly. Thanks to you and Clair, I am the happiest man in existance."

She blushed slightly then kissed him deeply but stopped when she heard Claire crying so she stood up and got a bottle as Jimmy looked at his phone and cursed as he moved towards the door.

"Oh fuck I'm late for work, I'll call you at lunch. I hope Cas is covering for me, he owes me big-time."

She gave him a half smile then said words she would never be able to take back. "Come back to me before twelve or I won't love you anymore."

He smiled then touched her face lightly as he whispered the word 'promise'.

If anyone had witnessed the moment they would say it seemed almost as if time had stopped just for them.

So that they could memorize their soul-mates features even though they already had or maybe it was a final goodbye.

One without the need for words because they would never be enough, nothing would.

.

"Castiel, I have a favor to ask of you. It is more of a request and one I would ask of no one else."

Dean had overheard some of her words and looked at Cas then Amelia for a second as Cas replied with a simple word that was anything but.

"Anything"

She took a shaky breath as a few tears rolled down her cheeks and she bit her lower lip to try and stifle a sob.

"I need to find myself."

* * *

**M note :** I blame my friends; Asael and Jacob for this, they are two guys I know from when I was in high school a town over.

We were eating lunch togther the other day and talking about what we've been up to. Mainly work, problems, family, other friends etc.

It was great seeing them again after years of y'know not.

As I unlocked the door to my house this idea took me by surprise so I jotted most of it down but I think I threw it away or something. The thing is idk where the paper's at.

Anyway I really wanted to do this but add something more realistic and personal, more I can't think of a word but it has to do with experience... I'm probably not making sense.


	2. patience

**Disclaimer**:

I don't own anything related with or to Supernatural; like characters, etc. I am just a fan of the show and actors.

**Pairing:**

Dean and Cas

**Warning:** This story will probably turn a little 'dark' in a few chapters but honestly I'm just going to tone it down because there's no real point in getting personal.

I had another chapter planned but I'm holding off on it for a bit because I'm not ready to put it out there yet.

Anyway I was listening to 'Initiation' and 'Coming down' by The Weekend while typing this

* * *

Three weeks have passed since the funeral.

504 hours.

30, 240 minutes.

Twenty one days since Amelia packed up some of her things, a picture of Jimmy hugging her while carrying Claire was missing.

She probably took it with her.

Before she had left she kissed him on the cheek then her baby's forehead and said that she would be 'around'.

There had been no word or news from her in that time span.

In all honesty he hasn't really pressured her into initiating contact with either himself or her daughter.

It isn't that he doesn't want her around but being alone is easier, it always has been for him.

He's taken up a few habits. Vices if you will.

Nothing life threatening or anything. He wasn't an idiot or in his opinion all that selfish.

Not because it was something he really wanted.

There are only two reasons why he has kept himself 'afloat' for so long.

Too many people depend on him, selfish ass-hats. They probably suspected he would try it _suicide_ because he had no one left.

A part of him doesn't want to prove them right.

There are no real friends to speak of, although that has never been a priority for him he supposed it was a reminder that he had somehow failed at life.

Well not being able to afford a proper funeral for yourself is the ultimate fail in his book and he will be damned if he doesn't get a good one.

Fuck it if he doesn't make enough money by the time Claire turns five he will probably jump off a bridge.

Actually he would have to find one first.

Goals.

He's too cynical for himself at the moment. Maybe he should quit his shit if he wants to set a good example for his niece or at least shove it down and become jaded.

He knows he will more than likely be fired. The day it happens it will come as no surprise or shock to him.

Rarely does he make it to work on time these days and on the occasional miracle that he does his clothes are filthy.

There is no way in hell that he can escape being linked to smells of excrement, urine, baby powder maybe sweat and misery.

He's taken a liking to cigarettes, sure they will probably end up killing him or worse giving him cancer.

If he gets that he will not seek treatment or pity but for now they serve a purpose so he doesn't care about the consequences.

They help him get by but money is tighter than usual. It was to be expected but Ames left all of her and James' savings behind.

That, most of her clothes...all of his _well_ she took a t-shirt.

Castiel had recognized it instantly because he had bought it for his brother a few years back.

.

He fell asleep in the shower again and Dean is looking at him. Accusing disappointment evident in his features.

He wants to see anger maybe a little disgust.

The sound of his deep breathing and drops of water are the only things he can hear after Dean shuts the faucet and pulls him out of the shower.

Sure he felt like he had been drowning as he looked up at him wearily, naked and way too tired to really care.

Or for that matter remember why it was that his neighbor was wrapping a towel around his waist as if this wasn't the first time he'd done this.

As if it weren't practiced...tentative or a big deal.

"Why are you in my house?" His voice sounded strange to him and for a moment he forgets.

It is the best moment of his life, that instant.

As he wonders what Jimmy was doing with them in the restroom instead of asleep in the arms of his beautiful wife because he has classes in the morning and she has work.

But he makes an error. His eyes catch the mirror.

The illusion is broken and he has never wanted death more than in that second.

Tears well up in his eyes as he looks around and noticed that no one else was present, that for a moment he had sounded just like his brother.

Everything crashes around him while he looks at his disheveled hair and the dark bags under his eyes.

Nothing has ever been so clear.

He understands.

That now there is no one with him.

"I was worried."

Dean's words snapped him out his 'trance' and he wants to punch him in the face.

No one told him to be worried.

He doesn't bother looking at him as he tells him to 'go home' because he doesn't want Claire to wake up.

"I have work tomorrow. Can you leave."

It was not a question, that fact had been made abundantly clear.

Sure the boy he's had a crush on since he was ten probably just saved his life and honestly also that of Claire's because Ames was too lost to do anything for herself at the moment.

He does not want to drag him down, letting go was the best kindness.

Mercy.

"Mom says she can take care of Claire while you work... Adam and Sammy helped me make you lunch. I was going to leave it at your door step in the morning but I don't know."

He looked away and kept his eyes trained on the tiles as he fought back the need to look him in the eyes.

"I just felt like this _need_ to come over. I did not mean to intrude but what the fuck Cas?"

If Claire hadn't been sleeping Dean would have more than likely yelled at him about stupid shit and even though his tone wasn't all that nice at the moment it was really more concerned.

He needed to go.

However his offer was to say the least tempting. He knows that he is not just responsible for himself but he doesn't want to swallow his pride, it's all he has left.

All he can hold onto although at this point it's almost nonexistent.

"I already paid for daycare, I'm set for the week."

He scratched his arm for a moment then continued while picking up his dirty clothes from the floor.

His question isn't one he has patience for.

"This lady, like everyone in this stupid town already knows of my 'predicament'. I don't need you or your family to take pity on me but I appreciate the offer to help Claire."

Dean's held onto his wrist as if by no other force than instinct.

It burns.

Because his skin is cold and Dean is so warm.

He wants more but that's a stupid idea.

He is tired.

A little thirsty, he will oblige the first.

Simply ignore the latter.

Cas side-stepped him and walked out of the restroom. He mumbled a low 'thank you, though' it was loud enough for Dean to catch even if barely.

.

.

Dean did not sleep well that night.

He knew that things were not anywhere near 'good' with Cas or the baby but he had not thought they were, had been bad to to such an extent.

One thing knows for a fact is that what happened that night was probably due to exhaustion and stress rather than an actual attempt to harm himself.

Child services would have had a field day had Castiel not been emancipated thus legally being considered an adult at his age but it's not like he would have snitched or babbled to them about anything.

John and Mary were worried about him and the 'poor boy' a few houses down.

His parents knew how he felt about Castiel, sure he hadn't admitted it to said boy because he didn't want to know what it was like to be rejected.

At least not yet.

He is a 16 year-old junior after all.

A popular guy, varsity captain of the baseball team to boot and not all too bad where academics in high school are concerned.

Although he probably had to have thanked Jimmy and Amelia for the touting of Adam and himself.

Which led him to their point.

Castiel is a 16 year old drop-out that basically sacrificed his future to raise a child that does not belong to him, sure it is his blood but ever since his brother died and Amelia... left.

He has become a bigger introvert than before.

What type of future would he have with someone like him _if _he had mutual feelings for him?

That was something he had not really considered or contemplated but they would burn the bridge when they got there.

_If_

Cas' new attitude boarders on anti-social but Sam still tries to talk to him at lunch.

Adam and a few of his old friends tried then promptly gave up after he blew them off at a gas station.

According to his parents their dear neighbor is a 'nice' person but a lost cause.

Either they are right or they are wrong but none of that matters.

He would be there for the long run.

For both Cas and Claire.


	3. molder

**Disclaimer**: I don't own anything related with or to Supernatural; like characters, etc. I am just a fan of the show and actors.

**Pairing:**

Dean and Cas

**M note:** Most if not all of the next chapter will be centered around Amelia Novak. I plan on shedding light on how her and Jimmy came to be in this AU.

How here relationship with the Winchester family was and is after the tragedy, how her choices will affect all those around her, especially her immediate family- Cas, her mom and baby.

I was listening to 'The Pretender' by Foo Fighters and 'The Great Divide' by Breaking Benjamin

* * *

'I roamed alone; O, barren dreams.

My echoed voice, what lonely comfort.

Here is my salvation:

I hear the triumph drum; the rhythm of the rising, the long-awaited sun.'

-Craig Froman

* * *

It's 7:38 by the time he walked in to the local food bank and shows his ID to one of the old ladies behind the main counter.

Most of the clothes he's picked out for Claire have been approved by Lina, one of his neighbors.

A kind woman, mother of four that currently works as a cafeteria lunch lady at his old high school.

She suggested they try it out, shopping at thrift stores or a place where people with low resources can buy surprisingly good quality clothes or items for a lot less than he would have gotten a retail store.

Since a lot of people donate either barely used, sometimes even new items. It is a great resource for someone who is trying and trying to get back on their feet, financially speaking.

He has the weekend off because his boss hired new people and is trying to fit them into the schedule slowly so that they can get accustomed to the work in a small but reasonable amount of time.

Once he's purchased everything he will need and can afford at the moment he walks towards her car since she gave him a ride here.

He knows the place well enough because Mary had asked him, James and her sons to volunteer a few years back for a church charity event.

The irony of this moment is beginning to ebb from his thoughts as he hears Lina saying that she's going to buy him a new pair of shoes.

Before he can even begin to decline the offer, that he has enough money of his own and that would be horrible on his part because she's been nice enough as it is, she says it's his birthday present.

He freezes as he feels a cold sweat wash over him thanks to the chilly morning air and he's dizzy with this outright need to throw up.

With absolutely no idea as to what is going on with himself he thinks he's going to pass out because he hasn't ever felt this bad, this sick before...not like this and he wonders if he's having a panic or heart attack.

"Cas? Honey are you alright? You don't look so good." Lina has set her share of the bags in the trunk as she unlocks the car doors.

"I-yeah. I'm great, just a little tired is all." He is mentally counting down from thirty as he's trying not to succumb to this horrible feeling and he's clutching onto the the plastic bags in his hands.

"It's July 10th, happy birthday." She sounds so happy for him until she probably remembers James and her smile fades away slightly but he doesn't say anything so she gets in the car.

Trying to think of anything that could possibly help cheer him up because she just _had_ to bring it up.

If she feels bad, she cannot for the life of her wonder what he might be going through.

He nods slowly, it doesn't matter because she's already in the driver's seat but he does it anyway as he stumbles his way into the passenger seat.

Buckles his seatbelt while closing his eyes and sits back trying to breathe, she doesn't seem to notice the extent of his problem.

For this he is grateful.

.

The day has gone by pretty quickly since his time with Lina. She had dropped him off at his house and asked if he wanted something for breakfast.

He lied and said he already ate something.

Having never been much of an early breakfast person, it is no great loss.

He went to vist his dad and James' graves after having bought some groceries.

The day is bleak and he thinks it's going to rain but he goes to the cemetery with a handful of roses because he isn't sure what is appropriate so he buys the nicest flowers he can find.

He tells them about how Claire and Amelia are doing.

How he doesn't sleep or eat much anymore, that he's apparently had a panic or heart attack but he can't afford to see a doctor because as far as he's concerned it isn't anything serious.

That he loves and misses them but that he's got a raise at work because he got his GED and he didn't really have to study for it.

He tells them that Amelia and Claire will accompany him next time he visits.

.

He was on his way home when he got a call from Sam asking if he wanted to come over for dinner.

The last time he ate something at the Winchester household James was with him.

He seriously doesn't want to think about that because he isn't supposed to be all depressive in front of people but it can't be helped and he's trying to eat quickly so he can leave and his back hurts.

Rejecting the offer was the right option as he had previously thought but he wanted an excuse to see Dean, his presence makes everything better but sitting here in front of this perfect family...

He feels at home here...

"I have to go. Amelia's mom said she would call around 8:30...so, th-thank you. I really appreciate you taking the time to invite me over for dinner tonight."

Cas walked out of the house after muttering a quick apology. He can't get out fast enough and he's feeling claustrophobic for some reason but this isn't the same feeling as earlier and that's good.

Once outside he laughs and he doesn't know why because it's raining and cold, he doesn't know what happened to his jacket...

Oh right, he left it on James' grave so that he doesn't get sick because that is what his brother would always do for him so that he wouldn't get ill...

The mailbox is broken.

And tears are mixing with the rain as lighting flashes.

He sees a bat, it's Dean's. There's a strip of blue tape around the end and he remembers why it's there.

A shiver runs through him but he walks up to his mailbox and doesn't stop hitting it with the bat even though he knows it won't do anything other than cause him another problem.

He just doesn't care. Because he's tired.

His brother died, his father died and he doesn't know why he is still here.

"I'm not a damn charity case. I may not have much, anymore..." He isn't sure why he's saying this or if anyone even cares for his words or why he is outside but none of that stops him.

Because he cannot stop what is crashing down around him.

Amelia cannot be in the same room much less stand to look at him for more than a couple of minutes.

Honestly, he can't blame her.

He misses school and being a normal teenager more than anything but the looks he received along with his different treatment now that they know...those things aren't worth going back for.

"But I don't want your pity, money or food. Having said that, I thank you for your help kindness and hospitality John, Mary."

At least he was glad that not everyone in this town bothered to act as if they care about him or his problems.

Mr. and Mrs. Winchester are standing nearby quietly as if wanting to say something but not knowing what.

It's okay with him.

Adam and Sam are in the same situation as their parents, standing in the middle of their lawn not minding the rain or lightning.

Just watching him and he wonders if this is solidarity because it feels good, liberating.

But he needs to stop because he's making a spectacle and he should be ashamed that he's disturbing the peace.

"Cas" His name sounds like rare, precious gift when spoken like this.

Quietly, stern but in this instance it also sounds wrong as if he's begging for something he cannot give.

Dean looks so disappointed in that instant as their eyes meet and he drops the bat instantly. It rolls near his general direction but stops a third of its way to him.

"Sorry. I'll buy you a new one." Cas doesn't look at Dean, anyone or anything for that matter.

He just grabs the soaked packet of cigarettes in his jean's pocket, lights one then walks home.

What a marvelous way to end a day such as this.

.

.

Adam stood drenched from head to toe in water as he smiled briefly as if the whole bat incident hadn't actually happened earlier that day, no less than half an hour actually.

"It's cold outside."

He says this as if it wasn't obvious as he walked passed him, shoved a box and a cup of ramen noodles at his chest as Cas looks at him oddly then stares back at the styrofoam cup without really knowing what to say or do with it.

Blowing air into his hands isn't helping so Adam removes his jacket and sets it on the table.

"It's 'teddy-bear picnic day'...so I thought you'd like this, maybe for Claire, if it's not your style...I think you should eat something before your 'cake' so here, get to it my friend."

"What?" Castiel walks over to his kitchen counter to put the gifts down as he opens the box and looks down at a little teddy bear.

"Get steppin you need to blow the candles before midnight or this won't count." Adam smiles a genuine smile as he holds up a little chocolate cupcake with a red '17' number candle on top.

Cas looked at the ground for a second after having set everything down then pulled him in for a hug before the blonde Winchestereven knew what hit him.

A dark blush covers his face at the sudden intimacy of the moment but he doesn't bother pushing him away.

Because he is finding the tight embrace to his liking and more importantly the Cas he's known and loved is still there even after all the shit that has come his way.

"It isn't much but I-"

Cas hugs him a little tighter as he whispered into his chest. "It's perfect. Thank you, so much."

"...So c'mon make was wish." Adam backs up a little after a few seconds then smirks as he leans in close to whisper a suggestion. "Ask for an angel."

"Preferably one from Victoria Secret." Cas appears to be way too serious for the words that just left his lips but he cracks a smile.

He lets himself fall back on the couch with harsh force because his legs are jelly, they feel numb as if asleep and he doesn't want to remain standing any longer.

Adam backed away as a bright smile lit up his face at the joke. Fuck yeah, he is making progress.

.

.

.

Dean walked with purpose as he held onto the box in his hand. It had taken him a few week's worth of work to have enough money to get this but it's worth it.

He just hopes Cas likes it.

Thanks to all the commotion in the street and his parents he had managed to get what he had tried to avoid all day.

Getting sidetracked.

It is still raining outside and he's gald that at the moment he is nowhere near California because it must suck super hard to be stuck with a dry- spell meaning drought.

He is a bit nervous about this.

Sure he gets around...haha...but seriously this is different because it's Cas and it's him.

Shit he feels like backing out and the sad thing is that he hasn't even left the comfort of his house yet.

"Dean?" If he hadn't been so caught up in his thoughts he would have jumped but he doesn't.

Instead he took notice of Sam's worried approached.

"Hey Sammy." With his trademark smile he greets him and lighhtning is flashing across the sky as the night falls upon them.

"If you're going to visit Cas can you give him a few things." Sam had wrapped the rectangular box in a nice white cloth.

"Mom made some cookies and dad bought him something. I wasn't sure what he would want so I got him a few things for Claire."

He puts all of the stuff down as Dean looks at him then it.

"I'm sure he'll at least appreciate the effort. Right? Eh whatever, I was going to take this to him when the rain lets up. But since you can't wait..."

Sam gives him a knowing smirk but Dean isn't bothering to hide or really commment on anything.

"Okay. I'll take it to him but I will probably need something bigger to put all of it in. Where's Adam?"

Dean looked around but Sam cut him off by speaking.

"He told mom he was crashing with Cas for the night. You mean like a bag to shield the things from the rain? I'll just get one of those big plastic bags."

.

A few minutes have passed by and they are watching a movie. The table is littered with junk food and empty soda cans.

Cas is eating ramen as Adam is eating broken pieces of a chocolate bar. The movie is old and a little boring.

It's supposed to be scary but the only frightening thing about it is the acting, seriously even the laughably bad dialogue and special effects are better or at least more believable.

"No, look at that, right there. He's not doing it right. If you want to die because it's better than get serial killed by that damn psycho you might as well just cut your wrists vertically, doing it horizontally is something only attention seeking posers do...no offense"

"Shit dude." Adam laughs as he takes more drinks out of his backpack then sets them on the table.

He knows Cas has seen the scars but he isn't ashamed, it isn't his business and it's not like he'll ask about it.

Perhaps, he's bit curious but that would be a little too personal for their friendship because if they cross that line it will go to another level and neither wants that.

"What. I'm saying is that if someone really wants something they won't go out of their way to make excuses."

He stops talking and eats a little more then continues defending his point.

"And the way he's going about this, are you kidding me? No that is just no... I could do a better job and I'm pretty sure I would laugh all the while because his actions are difficult to take seriously. That's why I think this movie's character is a fucking idiot."

Cas walked over to the kitchen and gets a trash bag to throw some of the bags and cans away as he finished his adamant speech.

"I'm glad we're friends."

Adam's words caught him off guard but a nice feeling filled his chest.

"Why's that?"

"You have this inability to filter your thoughts, I appreciate the honesty." He takes a sip of soda and thunder is heard loudly above.

Cas laughs then grabs a cup of ice.

"When will Amelia start college?"

"She said sometime around next month I think. I'll asked her to let me babysit Claire for a while, she's got enough on her plate."

"And you don't?" Adam is helping him get the trash as he asks incredulously.

"I just...I want them in my life, if I can help them in any way I will." There conversation ends there as Adam connects his X-box and tells him he's bought a new zombie game.

.

.

He had that dream again, the one where he is stranded in the middle of an empty road.

Every time he falls asleep he 'wakes up' to the sensation of falling on the hood of the piece of shit he calls a car.

It hasn't been working right for about a month now but now it hasn't started for the past two days, maybe something is wrong with the engine.

That is of no importance at the moment because he is free falling as his back is to the pavement and his eyes are looking up at the sky, wondering if Heaven is a real place but expecting only Hell.

He knows Claire is in the backseat, safely secured and sleeping peacefully in her high chair but in his dreams he isn't the one that is trying to get to her.

No.

The one who is...That knowledge is only reserved for the murky waters of his nightmares.

He rarely has nice dreams anymore and when he does, they've always managed to turn sour by the end of his allotted time.

He's praying for a moment of peace, just a simple second apart from his demons. From the senseless mess he calls a life but nothing has ever been that effortless for him.

The alarm clock next to him blares loudly and his head aches to the beat of a fictitious drum.

He's officially seventeen.

Were he anyone else this would be a great day; one full of leftover cake, terribly embarrassing family pictures and some shitty but wonderful presents he would be too modest to actually go get a refund for.

.

.

He's taken a shower and changed into some comfortable clothes because he is not really planning on going anywhere today.

Just as he's almost done brushing his teeth he hears the door bell.

With absolutely no idea who it could be he rinsed his mouth quickly and walked out of the bathroom to answer.

Standing on the other side of the threshold stands the last person he'd ever want to see in his life.

His mother.

She is just looking at him with a smile looking exactly how he remembers her.

_"It isn't fair."_ He can barely remember what his father's voice sounded like but he'd have picked her's out of a crowd all too quickly.

_"It is not acceptable for someone a vile as you to draw breath while my twin, your son lays six feet under."_

_"You didn't even have the God-damn decency to show up at his funeral!_"

Tears are falling down his face quickly but he doesn't care because this bitch is the living embodiment of everything wrong in this world.

Both hear a soft groan of discomfort as Adam stretches the sleep away.

"Bro. Your couch is not my friend, pretty sure my ass is going to hurt for a week and I can't even begin to describe the pain in my-"

He snaps out of it, this trance like state of being as he hears his mo- this stranger call out questioningly-a disgusting look of evident accusation when having noticed Adam in one of her 'ex husband Gregory's shirts.

She seems surprised that he hasn't thrown it out.

She knows everything then.

God, he wants her dead.

"Castiel?"

Before she has a chance to say or do anything else he just flips her off and shuts the door in her face.

"Fuck me. Dude, was that your mom?" Adam is just staring at the door as if someone's about to break it open.

He slept on the damn control and the end of it had been poking against his ass. That shit hurt and Cas seriously needs to get himself a new couch it's a little lumpy.

"Yeah."

"Shit"

"I know"

She was_ no_ is dead to him. As dead as his dad, as dead as his brother.

The only difference in between them and her.

He loves them.

He sees her again, even if by chance or accident he's pretty sure nothing will stop him from killing her.

Taking a moment to picture it now as he walks to the kitchen table and sits down on one of the chairs he knows the act would be carried out with a smile etched perfectly on his face.

It'd be slow but absolutely painful then he'd throw her corpse in the dumpster outside.

After that he would probably make himself a sandwich, maybe go to work or back to sleep.

He tells Adam as much while the blood within his veins is still boiling with an infinite amount of ire but it seems to dissipate when the blonde Winchester mentions Claire, Dean and Amelia.

How neither his father or brother would approve and that she wasn't worth his attention.

Because there is no way in hell, heaven or earth that he is letting him ruin the last remaining good things he has in his life for something so stupid, selfish and easily dealt with.

The conversation hadn't ended there because he had then proceeded to point out how his 'plan' has many a flaw.

He then makes dumb jokes that were not supposed to be as funny as they actually are while telling him of what he could do to fix said flaws but retracting slowly because he isn't supposed to be giving Cas ideas so he settles by saying how he is too pretty and smart to be jail bait.

Cas laughs at the ease of the moment, his anger and sadness ever present but he's found himself genuinely enjoying this.

A small semblance of days long gone, yes but he is grateful for the company because he doesn't want to think of what he would have done had he been alone right now.


End file.
